Movie Review: Hell House

George Ratliff's Hell House scared the, well, hell out of me.
That's the purpose of the Hell House itself, of course. They scare people. They scare people into becoming Christians--it is a haunted house sponsored by a pentacostalist Christian Church.
They showcase adultery, family violence, incestuous rape, drunk driving, date rape, drugs, raves, abortion, Satanism (complete with ambiguously anti-Semitic Pentacles of David) and AIDS. At the end, they have a room of conversion, with prayer counselors, in case you've been scared into the arms of Jesus.
They have really bad actors (all church-members) who desperately compete for the good parts (the girl who gets raped by her father and the girl who gets the abortion are the favorites amongst high school aged girls).
What scared the hell out of me was not the Hell House itself, in all its amateur glory. (They admitted it to be such. One kid said, and I don't quite quote, "The scripts and acting and sets are pretty lame, but they don't really do it. Its God who does the rest.")
No, what scared me was their sincerity. And their hypocrisy. Mr. Ratliff had the extraordinary good fortune to catch the main "character"'s son having an epileptic fit, then suddenly stopping, ostensibly because the father prayed. We see the church members speaking in tongues, a practice which they believe is the only way for them to truly communicate with God.
Then we see them talking about how fun the Hell House is. One man, a born-again who used to be big in the rave scene, got so excited while talking about the fake rave he was organizing for the House--"I'm going to play the DJ, as I have for the past few years. We're going to have the black lights up here, and the glow sticks, and the music, of course... some graffiti... we might even rent a water tank!" (not-direct quote). He seemed to miss the raves so much that he was almost considering re-forsaking Jesus just to do it again. For nostalgia's sake, he even graffiti'ed his old tag onto the walls in two different neon colors.
This movie has been both widely criticized and widely praised for its unbiased, hands-off approach. Mr. Ratliff never tells us what to think about the Hell House. He simply presents us with the facts and lets us decide. The criticizers of this approach may simply be frightened by the idea of thinking for themselves. It is clear that they are not to be taken seriously--just because we do not see Mr. Ratliff giggling off to the side at the absurdity of it all does not mean that it does not come off as utterly outrageous. In fact, this approach allows us to feel a twinge of sympathy for the ignorant masses to whom we are placing ourselves as superior. We see that they are well-intentioned people, utterly unaffected, whose bigoted views are not perpetuated out of an agenda of hateful evil but out of a desire to eradicate all evil, as they define it.
Near the end of the movie, we see the aforementioned 'main character' deciding to go through the Hell House as an observer, rather than as a guide as he has always been. Earlier, we have seen his struggles to raise his family of four (including the cerebral palsy kid with the seizures), and have heard about his harrowing experience with a wife who cheated on him via the Internet. The story of his wife has been worked into the Hell House as part of the family violence/adultery scene. At the end, we see him enter the conversion room to reconfirm his love for Jesus. Instead of disgust at his unenlightened belief that God can help him, we instead feel sorrow for his plight. We almost _want_ him to go in and find God again, because we realize that its what will make him happy. Its what he wants to do.
In the end, the documentary's main strength is, in fact, in its objectiveness. It is fully clear that the Hell House is ridiculous. However, it is also fully clear that the sentiment is almost a nice one. And although nice is so often blasted for being a meaningless word, it is the word of best fit. The Christians are trying to be nice, in their own, nescient way.

Movie Review: Mystic River

Mystic River is the soulless journey of a group of three young boys who later grow up to become famous actors.
The movie begins with three young boys playing in the street. One of them (Dave. Don't forget that name. I'm sure not to, after that incessant repitition of it in the damn movie) gets abducted by a guy pretending to be a cop. We see vague, Hollywoodish evidence of some ass-raping. He escapes.
A bunch of years later, that boy is now Tim Robbins. Tim Robbins has a wife in Marcia Gay Harden (and not in Susan Sarandon, because they live in sin. But anyway.) They have a young boy who sucks at baseball.
One of the other boys is now Sean Penn. He has weirdly dual-colored hair, a large distracting mole, about 500 tatoos, three daughters, and a convience store. His oldest (and mighty pretty) daughter says goodbye. She dies. Kevin Bacon, the third boy, is the cop on the case, with his trusty sassy, black, and wise sidekick in Laurence Fishburne (who is named Whitey, which is the movie's sole nod to laughter). The whole affair is wannabe-artfully directed by Clint Eastwood.
Now, Mr. Penn can yell. Its a very good skill to have. If I ever needed a man to shout about the location of his daughter in there, I know who to turn to. But Oscar-Worthy? I guess. But this is Bill Murray's last chance! He'll never make another movie the academy actually likes!
Mr. Robbins was awesome. I'll just admit it already. It was like pyschopath and retard (I mean mentally disabled) and accented mysterious man all in one, and the Academy loves that. So I'll go for him.
As I have said many a time, however, this movie is simply something for Oscar-baiting actors like Mr. Penn and Mr. Robbins to put on their resumé of tapes. Every. Single. Scene is a place for them to show off their acting ability, in the most obvious way possible. A.O. Scott of the New York Times said that Sean Penn made other "method actors" look like, well, actors. However, I don't think any of the other people he named (Brando, Pacino, etc.) could possibly be more actorly than Mr. Penn. Every scream, every false tear, every scrunched up face... I could see the acting coach in his ear whispering to him "Now, Sean, what would Jimmy feel _right now_? His daughter is dead. Murdered. How would _you_ feel? Now, how would _he_ feel?" Et cetera ad nausem.

2004, so far

January 4th
Book Log:
Skipping Towards Gommorah: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America - Dan Savage
Movie Log:
Airplane!-Eeeeeeeee!-It was so funny. And it had my new boyfriend, for a while, but then I found out that he died of AIDS in 1986. Anyway, funny.
Charlie's Angels-Heeeeeeee!-Well, it was a movie. There were sex jokes, and partially naked people, and, of course, Sam Rockwell and Bill Murray. That Sam Rockwell. Such a turncoat. Ooops, spoiled the ending. Meh.

January 8th
Book Log: Forever... - Judy Blume (that took me about 1 hour total, kids. I was bored between classes and had forgotten my real book.)

January 10th
Movie Log: Mulholland Drive. It was confusing and had sex, and since those are two of my primary criteria for good movies (see: Memento, Fight Club, But I'm A Cheerleader), I've decided that I really liked it and want to watch it over and over. Plus, that Laura Elena Harring is one of the hottest celebs to ever steal my name. But Naomi Watts has _such_ a forgettable face, and I wish I knew what the hell was going the fuck on. As that review said, "WTF? IM,WTFF!?" That David Lynch sure is a confusing fellow. I still hated the Straight Story.

January 11th
Book Log: Nancy Clue and the Case of the Not-So-Nice Nurse, by Mabel Maney
I have never read such a self-conciously gay book. Every.single.character was gay, except for the evil people and the old fogey parents, and all the plays on the old meanings of the words "queer" and "gay", and the silly jokes about clothing and stuff So yeah. An enjoyable read, and very well-stylized in that 50s fashion.

January 14th
Book Log:
David Boring by Daniel Clowes.
Graphic novel time! Graphic in both its illustrations, and in its depiction of sex (including lesbians, incest, and an ass-fetish), violence, and creepyness. That Clowes man sure is disturbed. But hey, the Ghost World novel was cool. The movie was okay, too.

January 16th
Movie Log:
Rabbit Proof Fence
I shouldn't have disliked this, and I will be eternally grateful that it was only 90 minutes. But lord, what a very long 90 minutes. Besides my generally ill-will towards stagnant shots and taciturn characters, I just could not stand that Mary Sue. She may have been cool, but dude, that was a perfect-ass girl. And, uh... oh, I'm sick of the "rag-tag [group of] misfit[s] return[s] home on a movie-long journey from somewhere oppresive, and meets lots of deep people and adventures and learning experiences." Even Cold Mountain needed a Zellweger to spice it up.

January 24th
Movie Log:
The Buttefly Effect was awesome. It had lines that ranged in greatness from "If weird means multiple orgasms" to "You don't even know me! I don't even know me!" Its not even worth mocking the plot holes, because there were so. damn. many. And mocking Kutcher acting isn't worth it unless you can see him. He's pretty. Pretty stupid! (Anyway...)
But these here reviewers are disturbingly sincere about it: "I was also interested to see if the great and overexposed comedian Ashton Kutcher pull off a dramatic role. I was not disappointed."; "About the only thing I have to say "bad" about it is, I REALLY wouldn't take kids to see it. Some of the subject matter's just a bit too "adult" for them"
They're also redundant: "During the first 20-30 minutes I was shocked at the subject matter that the movie was about".
Oh well. Not everyone can be hip snarky New Yorkers. Although, some New Yorkers don't even snark (like the lady who shushed us. Dumbass).

January 25th
Book Log:
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon
It was a very conceptual novel, but luckily, the concept was pulled off with flying colors (that sentence was crap). The concept was that it was a detective-esque novel narrated by an Autistic kid with a large interest in math, maps, and organization. The chapters are numbered in prime numbers rather than 1,2,3,etc, and the book is littered with small graphs and maps. Its sort of a rehashed plot, but the perspective is cool.

January 28th
Movie Log:
Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!
Ms. Bosworth, my dear, I'm sure its hard, being a pretty celebrity with a teen-idol boyfriend. But for the love of God, have a sandwich. My treat. Maybe with some weight you'll become pretty, and then it would make _sense_ that the two guys liked you.
Way to not have any legitimate plot excuse for Tad. At all. He was just an obediant puppy who wanted to sleep with an anorexic girl from West Virginia rather than one from L.A. I think.
And, oh, that Topher. Making me go "awwww" in sympathy. Making me feel all girly and happy when he got the girl. Can I be him when I grow up? (Besides, he's not a scientologist, like the rest of his show. [well, neither is Kutcher, but he's dating someone old enough to be his mother.]).

Books of 2003

What I Read, 2003
No rereads, no school reads, only books I finished and started entirely this year

1. The Sirens of Titan – Kurt Vonnegut
2. Franny & Zooey – J.D. Salinger
3. God Bless You Mr. Rosewater – Kurt Vonnegut
4. 9 Stories – J.D. Salinger
5. Lullaby – Chuck Palahniuk
6. The Bad Beginning – Lemony Snicket
7. Dave Barry’s Greatest Hits – Dave Barry
8. The Reptile Room – Lemony Snicker
9. Night Mother – Marsha Norman
10. No Exit – Jean-Paul Sartre
11. The Wide Window – Lemony Snicket
12. Fast Food Nation – Eric Schlosser
13. The Miserable Mill – Lemony Snicket
14. The Austere Academy – Lemony Snicket
15. Words and Rules – Steven Pinker
16. Choke – Chuck Palahniuk
17. Dune – Frank Herbert
18. The Ersatz Elevator – Lemony Snicket
19. The Vile Village – Lemony Snicket
20. The Hostile Hospital – Lemony Snicket
21. The Carnivorous Carnival – Lemony Snicket
22. Everything Is Illuminated – Jonathan Safran Foer
23. White Teeth – Zadie Smith
24. The Basic Eight – Daniel Handler
25. Lemony Snicket: The Unauthorized Autobiography – Lemony Snicket
26. Watch Your Mouth – Daniel Handler
27. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – J.K. Rowling
28. Girl walking Backwards –Bett Williams
29. Dave Barry turns 40 – Dave Barry
30. Invisible Monsters – Chuck Palahniuk
31. Dave Barry’s Only Travel Guide You’ll Ever Need – Dave Barry
32. The Salmon of Doubt – Douglas Adams
33. The Way We Talk Now – Geoffrey Nunberg
34. The Slippery Slope – Lemony Snicket
35. Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot – Al Franken
36. The Complete Asshole’s Guide to Picking Up Chicks – Karl Marks
37. Bee Season – Myla Goldberg
38. Dude, Where’s My Country? – Michael Moore
39. Wicked - Gregory Maguire
40. Please Kill Me – Legs McNeil and Gillian McCain
41. Look At Me – Jennifer Egan

Originally Written for December 16th, 2003

Movies of 2003

I just went through the IMDb listings of every movie that was released in 2003. I then graded them here, along with comments. This is going to be one fockin' long entry.
Key:
Eeeeeeeee! - I'm in lurve with you, movie. Sincerely.
Heeeeeeee! - I'm in lurve with you, movie. I enjoyed making fun of you.
Huuuuuuuh! - I'm glad I saw you, movie. Why not?
Meeeeeeeh! - I'm sure I'd be fine without having seen you, movie.
Grrrrrrrr! - I'm angry with you, movie. You made me hate someone in you.
Boooooooo! - I'm angry with you, move. You suck ass.

Bend it like Beckham - Huuuuuuuh! - Remember when Keira wasn't totally overexposed? Remember when JRM wasn't as pretty as I now realize he is? Remember when Parminder Nagra was gonna be a star? Well, it was nice while it lasted, Becks.

Laurel Canyon - Boooooooo! - This almost got a Grrrrrrrr. For Frances McDormand and Christian Bale. What kind of movie can almost make me hate Marge Gunderson and Arthur Stuart! This crappy kind, that's what.

Boat Trip - Booooooo! - Yeah, I know I didn't even see this. Hush, you. I just wanted to remind people of the pure suck that was this. Pure, unadulterated suck, I say!

A Mighty Wind - Eeeeeeee! - Yeah, it wasn't as funny. Yeah, it was a bit schmoopy. Yeah, Eugene Levy's character's voice might've grated. But it was a Guest "mockumentary", and thus, the funniest thing since people cutting their fingers while slicing bread.

X2 - Huuuuuuuh! - It was a movie. There was gay subtext. There was Hugh Jackman, who is a damn good singer. There was Anna Paquin. I enjoyed it.

The Lizzie Maguire Movie - Heeeeeeee! - It was hilarious. What can I say? I love little children, because they think that when you're laughing _at_ this while babysitting, you're really laughing at all the hilarious jokes.

Down With Love - Eeeeeeeee! - Ewan is cute, Renée is cute, David Hyde is cute, that brunette is cute, the outfits are cute, the cinematography is cute, the directing is cute, the sets are cute... and it all manages to be not annoying.

Finding Nemo - Huuuuuuuh! - The animation was amazing. Ellen was hilarious. But man, does backlash ruin good movie memories or what? Just because it looks pretty doesn't mean it deserves Best Picture. (Except for Down With Love. Hush, you.)

Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - Heeeeeeee! - Grrrrrrrr! - Well, what can I say. I love to make fun of Cameron, Lucy and Drew, and but you made me hate Demi Moore more (ha!) than I did just from tabloids and Scarlet. Good onya, movie. (But oh, oh, the FemHoYay.)

Legally Blond 2: Red, White and Blond - Meeeeeeeh! - No, I don't know why I bothered to see this in theaters. There were gay dogs, though. That's fun. (DogYay!)

Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - Meeeeeeeh! - Yes, I know I'm going to go to hell for not going at least one level higher. But dude, yeah Johnny was cool, and Keira looks nice in her corset (over-exposure, I feel your onset...), but "Orli" is not that hot, and the movie was nothing that special.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Meeeeeeeh! - I have absolutely no memories of this movie except that my cell phone kept going off during it because I was trying to find Frankie. So I guess it wasn't _offensive_, per se.

Johnny English - Boooooooo! - I almost barfed! Because of the scatological humor! With the shit! And I loved Austin Powers and if this makes me sick either I'm getting old or this movie's getting gross! (Oh, and what's with the digs on France, Rowan?)

Camp - Meeeeeeeh! - What? This was a movie? Oh, dude. Yeah. With all the gay people. I like gay people. And drag. This movie got a little boring, what with the over-perfectizing that main straight guy. And that annoying girl. General meh.

American Wedding - Huuuuuuuuh! - I love Alyson Hannigan, and I distinctly do not mind Seann William Scott. (Okay, I'll admit it. I secretly want to be Chester from Dude Where's My Car when I grow up.) So this was fun all around. But not that great.

Thirteen - Boooooooo! - Grrrrrrrr! - Me enemy [slap]! Stupid dizzying. Stupid see-saw. Stupid sexy Evan Rachel Wood. Stupid Nikki Reed. Stupid backstory. Stupid mini-Oscar-buzz. Stupid Elvis Mitchell for liking it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Matchstick Men - Huuuuuuuh! - This was the first homework assignment Chotiner gave me. Sigh. Sigh Sigh Sigh. And Sam Rockwell is the cool, and Nic Cage is... he was in Adaptation, and Alison Lohman was cool. Yeah.

Lost In Translation - Huuuueeeh! - Yes, that was a melding of Huuuuuuuh! and Meeeeeeeh!, because I so can't make up my mind. I still like Scarlet Johannson enough (despite the stupid comments and the golden globe coup), and I've never minded Bill Murray (but I haven't even seen Rushmore), and I enjoyed seeing it, but see Nemo for my comments on backlash. Also, that insight about the adolescense of this is sheer genius, Jessica Winter of the Voice.

Intolerable Cruelty - Huuuuuuuh! - Man, that's a hot couple right there. And I think it had plenty of Coen weirdness and kookyness. It was another of those prettily-made movies, very stylized. I enjoyed it. I like the funny. So _there_.

Elf - Huuuueeee! - Yes, that was a melding of Huuuuuuuh! and Eeeeeeee! This movie was so cute, and I so love me some Zooey, and it completely reversed all my negative feelings towards Will Ferrell, and just made me so _happy_. But I dunno if it was a full top notch. It didn't stick with me that much, cept for her singing.

Love Actually - Boooooooo! - Yeah, I know I enjoyed it while watching it. But that review, and reflection on the evil that is Richard Curtis... All white, all straight, all stupid (un)sexy older men, all stupid fat jokes (my, how I _loathed_ the fat jokes! Grrrr.) But Billy Mack. I have to give him props. (Bill Nighy is the actor.)

The Triplets of Bellville - Boooooooo! - I hated this! Hated! So boring! It made me claustrophobic in my chair! I got out and left for part of it, something I hadn't done since My Dog Skip! The animation was boringly weird! The humor was stupid! The plot was uninspired! And maybe this is just me, but I _like_ dialogue!

The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King - Meeeeeeh! -
1-E.W. Can't act - Elijah Wood can't act. He just widens his eyes. He's been perpetually punched in the stomach. (I'm still going to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, though).
2-S.A. can - Sean Astin can act. This was the only performance in the movie that actually struck me as a character. Everyone else was just a tool to tell the story, but I really felt bad for Samwise and his pathetic little crush on Mr. Sorprendesa over there, and its all thanks to Mr. Astin.
3-Director's Movie - This movie wasn't about the actors. This movie wasn't about the characters. It was about Peter Jackson, and his wide sweeping shots, and a story. Now, I'm all for telling a story, but I prefer to do it through character arcs and the like. The only arc I saw, in all three movies, was Gimli overcoming his predjudice about elves thanks to a little thing called a crush on Orlando Bloom. (Don't worry, kid, almost everyone's got one. Cept me and a few others.)
4-Fucking choirs - Seriously, Howard [Shore, composer]. Enough with the fucking "I died hor-ib-ly" choirs in the background of the fight scenes. Even once was too much. A bad score can ruin everything, you know. Look at The Hours. Oh wait, that sucked anyway. Well, your score distracted me. That and the slow-mo. Stupid effects.
5-Gandalf: single noble tear - Well, yeah. Nuff said. Poor McKellan.


Peter Pan - Heeeeeeee! - I believe the most uttered word in the little snark session was "ooooh!" followed by "kinky!" I can't hate any movie with that much Freudian subtext, man. But lor', did I _hate_ Jeremy Sumpter. Stupid American accent.

Cold Mountain - Huuuueeee! - Too disturbing for a full Eeeeeeeee, but too well done to be a whole level less. Plus, Ruby! Yay, Renée! But Jude isn't as pretty as y'all say. But it was Oscar-bait at its finest, and still managed to be unboring. So good job, guys.

Originally Written on December 29th 2003

Hello, hello

Welcome to this website. This is where I shall review books and movies. And, if I feel like it, the odd TV show. Now, for your viewing pleasure, I shall soon post everything I've written up to now this year, about books, movies, and the like. Yay.