I just went through the IMDb listings of every movie that was released in 2003. I then graded them here, along with comments. This is going to be one fockin' long entry.
Key:
Eeeeeeeee! - I'm in lurve with you, movie. Sincerely.
Heeeeeeee! - I'm in lurve with you, movie. I enjoyed making fun of you.
Huuuuuuuh! - I'm glad I saw you, movie. Why not?
Meeeeeeeh! - I'm sure I'd be fine without having seen you, movie.
Grrrrrrrr! - I'm angry with you, movie. You made me hate someone in you.
Boooooooo! - I'm angry with you, move. You suck ass.
Bend it like Beckham - Huuuuuuuh! - Remember when Keira wasn't totally overexposed? Remember when JRM wasn't as pretty as I now realize he is? Remember when Parminder Nagra was gonna be a star? Well, it was nice while it lasted, Becks.
Laurel Canyon - Boooooooo! - This almost got a Grrrrrrrr. For Frances McDormand and Christian Bale. What kind of movie can almost make me hate Marge Gunderson and Arthur Stuart! This crappy kind, that's what.
Boat Trip - Booooooo! - Yeah, I know I didn't even see this. Hush, you. I just wanted to remind people of the pure suck that was this. Pure, unadulterated suck, I say!
A Mighty Wind - Eeeeeeee! - Yeah, it wasn't as funny. Yeah, it was a bit schmoopy. Yeah, Eugene Levy's character's voice might've grated. But it was a Guest "mockumentary", and thus, the funniest thing since people cutting their fingers while slicing bread.
X2 - Huuuuuuuh! - It was a movie. There was gay subtext. There was Hugh Jackman, who is a damn good singer. There was Anna Paquin. I enjoyed it.
The Lizzie Maguire Movie - Heeeeeeee! - It was hilarious. What can I say? I love little children, because they think that when you're laughing _at_ this while babysitting, you're really laughing at all the hilarious jokes.
Down With Love - Eeeeeeeee! - Ewan is cute, Renée is cute, David Hyde is cute, that brunette is cute, the outfits are cute, the cinematography is cute, the directing is cute, the sets are cute... and it all manages to be not annoying.
Finding Nemo - Huuuuuuuh! - The animation was amazing. Ellen was hilarious. But man, does backlash ruin good movie memories or what? Just because it looks pretty doesn't mean it deserves Best Picture. (Except for Down With Love. Hush, you.)
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle - Heeeeeeee! - Grrrrrrrr! - Well, what can I say. I love to make fun of Cameron, Lucy and Drew, and but you made me hate Demi Moore more (ha!) than I did just from tabloids and Scarlet. Good onya, movie. (But oh, oh, the FemHoYay.)
Legally Blond 2: Red, White and Blond - Meeeeeeeh! - No, I don't know why I bothered to see this in theaters. There were gay dogs, though. That's fun. (DogYay!)
Pirates of the Carribean: The Curse of the Black Pearl - Meeeeeeeh! - Yes, I know I'm going to go to hell for not going at least one level higher. But dude, yeah Johnny was cool, and Keira looks nice in her corset (over-exposure, I feel your onset...), but "Orli" is not that hot, and the movie was nothing that special.
League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - Meeeeeeeh! - I have absolutely no memories of this movie except that my cell phone kept going off during it because I was trying to find Frankie. So I guess it wasn't _offensive_, per se.
Johnny English - Boooooooo! - I almost barfed! Because of the scatological humor! With the shit! And I loved Austin Powers and if this makes me sick either I'm getting old or this movie's getting gross! (Oh, and what's with the digs on France, Rowan?)
Camp - Meeeeeeeh! - What? This was a movie? Oh, dude. Yeah. With all the gay people. I like gay people. And drag. This movie got a little boring, what with the over-perfectizing that main straight guy. And that annoying girl. General meh.
American Wedding - Huuuuuuuuh! - I love Alyson Hannigan, and I distinctly do not mind Seann William Scott. (Okay, I'll admit it. I secretly want to be Chester from Dude Where's My Car when I grow up.) So this was fun all around. But not that great.
Thirteen - Boooooooo! - Grrrrrrrr! - Me enemy [slap]! Stupid dizzying. Stupid see-saw. Stupid sexy Evan Rachel Wood. Stupid Nikki Reed. Stupid backstory. Stupid mini-Oscar-buzz. Stupid Elvis Mitchell for liking it. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Matchstick Men - Huuuuuuuh! - This was the first homework assignment Chotiner gave me. Sigh. Sigh Sigh Sigh. And Sam Rockwell is the cool, and Nic Cage is... he was in Adaptation, and Alison Lohman was cool. Yeah.
Lost In Translation - Huuuueeeh! - Yes, that was a melding of Huuuuuuuh! and Meeeeeeeh!, because I so can't make up my mind. I still like Scarlet Johannson enough (despite the stupid comments and the golden globe coup), and I've never minded Bill Murray (but I haven't even seen Rushmore), and I enjoyed seeing it, but see Nemo for my comments on backlash. Also, that insight about the adolescense of this is sheer genius, Jessica Winter of the Voice.
Intolerable Cruelty - Huuuuuuuh! - Man, that's a hot couple right there. And I think it had plenty of Coen weirdness and kookyness. It was another of those prettily-made movies, very stylized. I enjoyed it. I like the funny. So _there_.
Elf - Huuuueeee! - Yes, that was a melding of Huuuuuuuh! and Eeeeeeee! This movie was so cute, and I so love me some Zooey, and it completely reversed all my negative feelings towards Will Ferrell, and just made me so _happy_. But I dunno if it was a full top notch. It didn't stick with me that much, cept for her singing.
Love Actually - Boooooooo! - Yeah, I know I enjoyed it while watching it. But that review, and reflection on the evil that is Richard Curtis... All white, all straight, all stupid (un)sexy older men, all stupid fat jokes (my, how I _loathed_ the fat jokes! Grrrr.) But Billy Mack. I have to give him props. (Bill Nighy is the actor.)
The Triplets of Bellville - Boooooooo! - I hated this! Hated! So boring! It made me claustrophobic in my chair! I got out and left for part of it, something I hadn't done since My Dog Skip! The animation was boringly weird! The humor was stupid! The plot was uninspired! And maybe this is just me, but I _like_ dialogue!
The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King - Meeeeeeh! -
1-E.W. Can't act - Elijah Wood can't act. He just widens his eyes. He's been perpetually punched in the stomach. (I'm still going to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, though).
2-S.A. can - Sean Astin can act. This was the only performance in the movie that actually struck me as a character. Everyone else was just a tool to tell the story, but I really felt bad for Samwise and his pathetic little crush on Mr. Sorprendesa over there, and its all thanks to Mr. Astin.
3-Director's Movie - This movie wasn't about the actors. This movie wasn't about the characters. It was about Peter Jackson, and his wide sweeping shots, and a story. Now, I'm all for telling a story, but I prefer to do it through character arcs and the like. The only arc I saw, in all three movies, was Gimli overcoming his predjudice about elves thanks to a little thing called a crush on Orlando Bloom. (Don't worry, kid, almost everyone's got one. Cept me and a few others.)
4-Fucking choirs - Seriously, Howard [Shore, composer]. Enough with the fucking "I died hor-ib-ly" choirs in the background of the fight scenes. Even once was too much. A bad score can ruin everything, you know. Look at The Hours. Oh wait, that sucked anyway. Well, your score distracted me. That and the slow-mo. Stupid effects.
5-Gandalf: single noble tear - Well, yeah. Nuff said. Poor McKellan.
Peter Pan - Heeeeeeee! - I believe the most uttered word in the little snark session was "ooooh!" followed by "kinky!" I can't hate any movie with that much Freudian subtext, man. But lor', did I _hate_ Jeremy Sumpter. Stupid American accent.
Cold Mountain - Huuuueeee! - Too disturbing for a full Eeeeeeeee, but too well done to be a whole level less. Plus, Ruby! Yay, Renée! But Jude isn't as pretty as y'all say. But it was Oscar-bait at its finest, and still managed to be unboring. So good job, guys.
Originally Written on December 29th 2003